I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
