The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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