three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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