stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
there is glitter all over my balls
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
