saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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