I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
