he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Is Oprah even human
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
