Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
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I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
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I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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