I need to stop coming to work sober
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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