I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Sext me about skeletons
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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