Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
