So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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