were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
