Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
