Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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