it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
