my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i think i have two assholes
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
