So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize