You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
