dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
