I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
