why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
