The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
