sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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