I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
