totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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