Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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