he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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