i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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