i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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