I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
