im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
its liver damage thursday
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
