I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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