went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
