It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
