Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
