she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
