she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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