I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
