Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
we should paint friendship bongs
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