you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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