he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
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I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
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I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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