I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
