I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
