I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
