im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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