There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
