R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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