We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
