My Higher Power is John Stamos
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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