I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
