If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
