New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
