The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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