gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
