btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
