then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
