I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
