I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
