this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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