On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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