does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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