Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
