they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
